Before I drag you all down the rabbit hole of madness my friend Chyppe and I descended into on Friday night; I’m going to take a moment to brag about my amazing brother and his beautiful fiance, and how great my family is. My brother lives in Brooklyn and is a super suave reality television producer, he also happens to be engaged to an unreasonably attractive professional dancer. The stars aligned perfectly and we all ended up in Louisville, KY at the same time. Leslie is from here, you see, and it was her mother’s 70th birthday. I’ve provided a visual aid to depict the amount of attractiveness happening around their coupling. One other really awesome, and somewhat unrelated detail, is that this is only the forth time I’ve met Leslie in person, one other time was in Berlin.
Now, to get to the bizarre stuff. Chyppe, his roommate Taylor (who is probably the perfect woman), the guy she’s dating, and I all went out on St. Pattie’s Day. Chyppe invited our old friend Molly, so you know, it was going to be a good time no matter what. We found ourselves at an establishment known as Nach Bar. Feeling pretty good about ourselves and our situation, we took a seat at some table, where we found two sheets of “St. Patty’s Day Bingo”( which was basically a series of conversation starters). I’m not sure if we were playing the game correctly, but it was fun either way, and a true display of performance art at it’s best. Taking turns selecting various statements to say to strangers, we ended up in some pretty hilarious interactions. I also was able to get three free drinks out of the game, so you know, that was pretty cool too. Although, one of the drinks wasn’t exactly free, because I did a tarot reading for it. I prompted Chyppe to ask a group of guys if he could “jam with them.” In the beginning of the conversation, I was just watching from afar and giggling to myself at our antics. Chyppe then called me over, I’m not exactly clear on how this play of ours evolved, but I remember the important details. We started telling these men about our very bohemian relationship, that his parents don’t approve of. We explained that his parents refused to financially back our nuptials, so we were getting married at a pizza place tomorrow (which was really us trying to lure them to our show through false advertising). Not everyone at the table wanted to hear our nonsense, but one particularly nervous Asian fellow, was biting like a prize fish. Chyppe’s backstory was that he was raised very Catholic, and mine was that I identify as a squirrel, who identifies as a human, who identifies as a comedian. We really sold this idea though, at one point Chyppe compared my situation to the struggle of transgender people… When he added the civil rights element I thought I was going to lose it, so I excused myself to the bathroom to regain my composure (and to talk about it on Instagram, lets be real). I heard a lot of talk about acceptance from the other side of the door, and at one point Chyppe was like “No man! She’s not a furry, she’s a squirrel!” I came out to find Chyppe looking like a total psychopath (with his face, which he can contort perfectly to look like a total fucking creep, it’s impressive) and our companion looking really confused and freaked out. His energy was that of an irritated hippie trying his hardest to remain centered. I put on my calm “mother earth” person and said “Oh honey, calm down, you’re so tense, let me rub your shoulders.” I dominated the conversation for a bit at this point, making statements to the effect of “I’m so sorry, he just gets really worked up and defensive about me. The thing is, I was raised as a squirrel, so I’m used to and welcome the questions. He just gets very protective, especially since his parents really do not approve of me.” “Yeah! I didn’t ask to fall in love with a squirrel!” was another golden ticket statement from my “beloved.” To really sell the point, I threw in some words like “otherkin” and “therianthropy” which are actual terms, but our narrative was so out of control, I’m pretty sure I could have said anything. At one point I remember taking Chyppe’s face into my hands and saying “I love you so much, I hope that in our next life you murder me, just so we can experience a new level of intimacy.” After that brilliant statement, I felt like we might be starting to lose him, so Chyppe starts to talk about how I hoard acorns, which I played into, because that’s how the game works. I decided it would be a good idea to tell him I had some with me at all times, and that my purse was filled with acorns. Our friend became a skeptic of our tale at this point and asked to see them, luckily, I just happened to have a bag full of “witch rocks” in my purse, which I then dumped on the table. This made our friend SUPER uncomfortable, and he physically leaned back in his chair to gain distance from my “acorns.” He then seemed very concerned and asked that I put them away, he claimed it was because he was worried I was going to lose them, and that he could tell they were very important to me. My theory is that he was so overstimulated and mind fucked that he could no longer comprehend what was happening, it probably didn’t help that I was like “Wait! I have more!” and then pulled some rocks out of my bra. I then tried to sell him a tarot card reading, but he just politely said “no” and asked us if he could have five minutes without us talking so he could process what had just happened to him. He really did look overwhelmed. I was able to get another member from his party to agree to a reading, which I gave, and it was a really great reading… and then he refused to pay me. Which, I guess I deserved, but still… not cool! After we wrapped up that outrageous encounter, we didn’t waste much time until we got to the next. Chyppe’s roommate’s shitty ex boyfriend came in to the bar with his friend. All the information I needed was that he had pushed her at one point, and I was willing to do whatever I was asked to do in order to serve up some karmic justice. Chyppe just sent me over there and told me to seduce this guy and then leave him hanging, but it got way way more complicated than that. I sat with him and his friend, and started up a dialogue. During our conversation I found out that those two used to live together, and they also would take showers together and have sex. When I later relayed this detail to Taylor, she said they were just fucking with me, but I really don’t think so. I think maybe she just didn’t know he had sex with guys, and didn’t want it to be a reality (which is fine, and I kind of understand that thought process). I’m completely sold on the fact that they used to and possibly still do have sex with each other though, because her shitty ex boyfriend got really defensive and pissy about the fact that he and his friend don’t take showers together anymore. On top of this, I got them to agree to a threesome. I excused myself to “use the bathroom,” but really I went and found Chyppe so I could tell him how things were unfolding and so we could come up with an exit strategy. Returning to my task, I told these two dickheads that I was just staying with two random people that I’d met off couchsurfing.com
and I needed to give them the heads up that I was leaving. At this point Chyppe came outside where we were sitting and I excitedly pretended to introduce them. The guys got a little awkward when they realized who I was staying with, and then Chyppe told me it was time to leave. My response was that I wasn’t going to go back to the house tonight because I was going to hang out with those two a little longer. Now, I knew that the face Chyppe was making was meant to depict”we are friends and this is all a big joke” but he just ended up looking really crazy, as he told me that I was not allowed to go home with them and I played the role of “Oh holy shit, this guy turned out to be crazy.” I put my hands up and said “I’m so sorry guys, I have no idea what is happening right now, but I guess I’m not allowed to go home with you.” Then Chyppe was like “Come on! Lets go!” The guy whose house we were supposed to go back to wanted to exchange phone numbers, which I agreed to (he was hot, but I honestly just wanted to see how our contact would play out, I was never going to go home with him, but I also really really love being a troll). We made our exit with Chyppe looking angry, and me looking concerned for my life, I believe at one point they even asked me if I was going to be okay. We went out front and had a pretty amazing moment of laughter, although, Chyppe did express concern about how this display was going to effect his image. At Chyppe’s prompting, we decided that the only next logical step was for me to push him against the wall and make out with him, which seemed totally fair to me, because I really really made him look cray as fuck… Plus, we made out a few times when we both lived in San Francisco, so it was like NBD. We went inside and even though we were having a friendly conversation, I pantomimed like I was arguing with him and being defensive. I stormed off to the bathroom, and when I came out one of the guys was with Chyppe and Taylor, so yeah, then I pushed Chyppe up against the wall and kissed him. I remember the guy’s face so perfectly, it was like we had broken his brain, and it was really satisfying to cause that expression twice in one night and with two different people. We galavanted around the neighborhood a bit more, and ended up at another bar… Nothing too crazy happened here, we were looking to wind down and call it a night. We were able to get one last punch in on our way home when we ran into our first victim, we said “hello” and then kissed each other while making squirrel noises, because why not? In conclusion, I basically ruined Chyppe’s reputation in Louisville, but it was all in the name of performance art! Plus, fuck those guys, if you push and harass a woman, I will for sure avenge her in a super sneaky way. I’ve taken the liberty of posting a few pictures, one of which depicts how psychotic Chyppe looked when he was getting me away from those guys.
See, what a creep!
Additionally, here are a few more pictures of all the great people and good times I’ve enjoyed in Louisville, KY.
#familyties (Pictured: Allison and Leslie, yours truly, big brother Watt.)
Taylor, being radiant as fuck!
Making friends, giving readings… The guy on the left looks like Brat Pitt, it’s kind of alarming how attractive he is in person.
Anyone up for a threesome?
Punk in drublic!
Met these kids after Chyppe and I did a show together, he was loading up equipment and I heard them talking about LA and witchcraft, so I asked if I could hang out with them. Almost immediately one of them asked me if I was a witch, I cannot tell you how much I love it when that happens. I’m glad that’s something people can just tell about me, kind of like a Mormon, except awesome.
Drunk facetime with my best bud, we were yelling about how much we love each another.
Last night we put mushrooms in our dinner, conducted a seance, then did a tarot friend building exercise… All were very successful. A card jumped out of the deck when we were done, and it was the 3 of cups (there were three of us!), so we drank whiskey with tea and talked about what makes each of us great.
Me finishing up this post, and thinking about how New Orleans will play out this weekend. I’ll be sure to let ya’ll know!