How to be a Witch in the Kitchen

I know we all get caught up in our lives, for me this usually involves some sort of fantastical land of daydreams, and figuring out how to get there. When I’ve got time to kill I like to throw on some sexy jams and really dance around my kitchen (sometimes in heels and an apron, I won’t lie) while I throw together a bomb ass meal. Today, (and the last two months while on the road) hasn’t really afforded me that luxury. It was a day for turning ideas into action, and on those days you can still dream, but you’ve gotta come down a bit to get shit done.

Busy witches know how important it is to take care of themselves, and their beautiful goddess bodies (all the goddess bodies). In honor of Women’s Health Week, I wanted to share with you lovely people (all genders apply) some of my favorite easy recipes, matched with my “dear diary” AF blogging ways.

Right now I’m in Los Angeles, CA. I just moved here, but I don’t really have a place to stay. My good buddy Nick is letting me sleep on his couch while I figure out my life, which to some may look like a mess, but believe me it’s not… I’ve done the messy life, this ain’t shit. It’s been really important to me not to neglect my projects and goals, just because my life has changed, however, that leaves less time for sexy cooking sessions.

I wanted to show my host how much I appreciate everything he’s doing for me (whether or not he realizes how much he’s doing for me doesn’t matter, I appreciate him and I show people that with food and presents, because actions are actually more important than words IN SOME CASES). So I got a little stoned (optional), put my hair up in a sassy bun, and threw in my headphones while I danced around his kitchen (having some sort of external stimulation that doesn’t take you away from your task is super important if you want to enjoy meal prep, this is your daydreaming portion of the day).

The Recipe:

Southwestern Salad mix (these are the salad kit things that pretty much every store has, I got mine from Trader Joe’s)

Canned Black Beans


Green Pepper

Tomato (I used heirloom cherry tomatoes, because they’re colorful and pretty)

Salad Mix


Throw those beans on the burner (med-low heat) stir that shit here and there, and taste it every now and then until it’s done… they’re just beans, man.

As your beans heat, rock out while and dice your pepper, avocado, and tomatoes (I’m also partial to throwing a leg onto the counter to get my stretching in).


Dump that salad mix onto a bowl or plate (dealer’s choice).

Add a nice serving of beans

Sprinkle with your diced goodies like it’s god damn fairy dust (you are goddess).

Take the dressing from you salad pack, and whatever other shit came in there (mine had some seeds or some shit and tortilla strips) and try to plate it nicely… Do your best, then eat that shit while you think about things that make you happy or watch a show or some shit. Smile a shit eating grin while you digest.


Don’t just spend the entire night watching TV though, if you’ve got a dinner companion then make that motherfucker get off their ass (if you don’t, get the headphones out). You’ll both feel better about yourselves if you go for a walk. Enter my buddy Nick, we walked around his neighborhood and talked a little bit of shop. He told me about a short film he’s working on and I thought of ways to help him, so now there’s the potential for collaboration, all because we decided to get a little exercise. Our bodies and our minds won that evening! We also discussed the various spots in which we might get murdered if we were in a horror movie, and there may have been a moment when ESP (EXTREME SOCIAL POWERS) took place. It was a really glorious old neighborhood in central LA, so you know we were feeling inspired, we also took a creepy selfie and high fived at our creepy ways. Those things are all pretty specific to my situation, but you get the idea… Don’t neglect yourself, don’t neglect the people around you.



A recipe for when you’ve got a bit more time…

You can get sexy with this one or not. I wasn’t so sexy, because I usually only sexy cook for myself or a special man. So usually just me, god damn that sounds so sad, it’s not I can assure you… That’s usually what convincing people say.


Bell Pepper

Veggie Ground Meat

Potatoes and a Sweet Potato

Vegetable Broth

Olive Oil

Salad Mix


Tomatoes (of the pretty or standard variety)

Nice Thoughts


The first order of business is to preheat your oven to 375

While that baby heats up, you’ve gotta wash those fucking potatoes man, then you’ve gotta dice that shit into little cubes. I used a smaller variation of potato because they came in a variety of pretty colors, but if aesthetics aren’t super important to you than you can just use a large russet potato. The idea is to end up with half sweet potato, and half of the other type (so if you’re using smaller potato’s you’ll want to use a couple, as opposed to one russet about the same size as your sweet potato). Once your shit is prepped put it all in a long pan (like a brownie pan), drizzle some olive oil and spices over that shit and mix it all together using your hands while you think nice thoughts (perhaps the most important ingredient). Throw it in the oven for about 35-40 minutes.

goth poatos


While your goth or not-so-goth potatoes are baking (every potato is free to be themselves in my book), lets tackle the peppers. Gut the peppers of their seedy insides (if you’ve got some lingering aggression, just imagine it’s the intestines of your enemies), and then slice them into little boats by making large cuts from top to bottom (I’d say 4 is a good number, but I’ve also cut them into 6 pieces, as long as it can hold the meat there’s no wrong way to do this).

Place your veggie meat in a bowl and break it up with a utensil. If you bought pre-seasoned meat than you can skip the next step, unless you want to add a little extra kick to your meal. If you do want to season the meat, I’d go with a taco themed selection. An example of this would be to throw any variation of the following into the mix: garlic powder, onion powder (or real onions is great), cumin, red pepper, chili powder, oregano, salt and pepper. I really like to encourage spice freedom when cooking (and when living, I’m actually listening to the Spice Girls right now). My process is to take out a bunch of spices and smell them first to decide if I think they’d go with the meal I’m trying to create. Once I’ve got an idea of what I’ll be using I slowly mix it into the food and taste as I go (one of the glories of being a vegetarian is that I can eat the “meat” without having to cook it first, it leaves a lot of room for trail and less for error).

stir and stretch

Once your meat is good to go, just scoop it onto your peppers and throw it in the oven. I like to bake them for 20 minutes (but 15 should work), it’s good to keep an eye on your time so you don’t end up with over or under-cooked potatoes and you can take both items out of the oven at the same time.

As your food heats, get working on the salad and plating. Bust out your dishware and throw some of that convenient AF salad mix on a corner of the plate. Throw some diced avocado and tomato on there and you are good to go (to avoid soggy bullshit, do not put the dressing on your salad until you’ve plated the remaining food). You’ll probably have a few minutes to kill, so use this time to clean as you go, there’s nothing worse than having a shitstorm of a mess to deal with after you’ve just eaten a beautifully executed meal.

Once your food is done baking, make it look nice on the plate, get experimental with it, just be free with your dining man! I’d also sprinkle a bit of sea salt on those delightful potato’s. I like a dipping sauce for my potato’s and I used Trader Joe’s yogurt spinach dip (this is totally worth the purchase, because you can use it later for snacks), just throw a spoonful into the middle of your plate and pig the fuck out. This is a super healthy meal, and you can eat enough to get full without having to feel weighed down or shitty about it later.

spinach dipPlated meal


Witch Bonus: Instead of throwing away your scraps, toss them into your yard for the local wildlife to eat. As long as you don’t have a pest problem this shouldn’t be an issue for you, and it’ll make some unsuspecting rodent’s night (sharing is caring). Isn’t that a really nice thought to have, for such a small effort? It’ll make you feel good I promise! There are little bunnies that run around my parent’s neighborhood, and in that household we are always throwing carrots and shit into the yard. It’s great because we get to see them more often, and they are fucking adorable. Sometimes my mom gets super into it and checks her security camera footage for bunnies (better than criminals, except now all I’m seeing is bunnies with ski masks on, also adorable)!

When you’re taking out more time to cook than usual, it’s awesome to make extra so you have leftovers. You can even jazz those up too, and here are a few ideas on how to do that.

I cut up extra bell peppers and put the rest of that “meat” into a container and gave myself a thumbs up, but then a middle finger (because I think it looks classier). The next day I threw it onto a salad kit thing. Salad is seriously THE BEST!


Don’t forget the dessert! If you’re serious about maintaining a healthier lifestyle, DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF. You may not even realize that you’re doing it, but since your meals are composed of lower calorie foods that are easier to burn off, you’ve gotta be eating more. This transition is where a lot of people fail. If your healthy diet choices are leaving you feeling hungry, it’s because you’re not eating enough. YOU CAN NOT EAT TOO MANY FRUITS AND VEGGIES, you will get full before you get fat. You don’t want to only be eating salad though, variety is still important, and dessert is the fucking best (even when you jazz veggies up, sweet tooth is real). A great way to snack healthily is to get your fruit game on. I like to cut 5 or 6 large strawberries and a banana then just throw them into a bowl. It’s a perfect late night snack (this is a great time to tell yourself how smart and pretty you are), and I usually don’t finish it all in one setting. I will however eat what’s left over as a quick morning snack, then I have an early lunch or I snack on veggies and hummus until a normally timed lunch happens. That spinach yogurt dip works as a nice snack between meals as well, I like to have broccoli, cauliflower, and baby carrots all bite sized and ready to go in my fridge at all times. If you’ve got a busy day, you’ve still gotta eat, this will take you away from the garbage food and keep you on track with the good stuff that will actually benefit you for the remainder of your day.


Rise and Shine, it’s time for your breakfast salad!

How to jazz up a breakfast salad. Salad is the shit people, you can just eat as much as you want, you really can (the green stuff, that is). Salad on its own can get boring, so in the morning, I like to throw an egg on mine (but not just any egg, a super delicious egg). If I know I’m going to be doing a more intense workout that day, I’ll make sure I eat two eggs instead of one, no one needs to be withholding nutrients from their muscles, that’ll make losing weight harder in the long run and your brain will suffer too.



Vegetable Broth

Get a small skillet going on medium-low heat and pour in enough broth so that the bottom of the pan fills. You don’t want your egg floating in a vat of liquid though, so don’t go crazy. Add your egg(s) and cook until the clear of the egg is completely white (you can let the yolk cook to your liking, just make sure the white is cooked, you’re safe once this happens). If you’re feeling a little impatient to eat and that last bit of clear is hanging around, you can flip the egg for the last 15-30 seconds of cooking (depending on how runny you like your yolks). Throw that shit on top of your salad (I pour the broth on my salad too, but you do you), and pat yourself on the back for being so smart and so pretty before you get to the rest of your day (and tell your spirit guides “what’s up?!” then mentally high five them). The nice thing about this recipe is that it doesn’t take a lot of time to cook, and you can eat it cold. So if you often find yourself scrambling for time in the morning, make it the night before and eat that shit at your desk, you sexy motherfucker. Get your work done and don’t be jealous of all the donuts and bagels flying around, you can still have them from time to time, but your ass will look way better than those coworkers of yours who perpetuate shitty eating habits all day ‘ery day.

Witch Bonus: Get eggs that are collected in a way that doesn’t hurt the chickens man, the chickens never did anything to you. If you don’t have time to research a company my recommendation is to get farmer’s market eggs. If you’re store shopping for these ovarian goodies, you should read the carton before you lay down some cash. Be wary of vague explanations like “cage-free” and look for words like “free range.” I’ve noticed that the more reputable companies will advertise how many feet per chicken their land provides, they’re proud of what they do and how they take care of their animals and land. When your options are limited go for “vegetarian fed” and yeah “cage free” is way better than the alternative, just know, it’s still not that great. I think that’s everything, I love you all!

sassy bun


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